FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
         He thought he was God, and I didn't.
 
 
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         Marriage is a three-ring circus:
         Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
 
 
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         For Sale:
         Wedding dress, size 8.
         Worn once by mistake.
 
 
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         There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
         Before marriage and after  marriage.
 
 
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         Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
         Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
 
 
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         The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
         "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience  in picking lemons?"
         "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
 
 
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         An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
         The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will  have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
         The old man says without hesitation, 
         "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 
 
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         Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.  "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."  They were seated immediately. 
 
 
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         The reason congressmen try  so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws         they've passed. 
 
 
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         All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.  The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 
 
 
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         Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 
 
 
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         Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"  
         Artie said: "I would like them to say I  was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." 
         Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." 
         Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" 
 
 
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         Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 
         The Lord replies, "A minute." 
         Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" 
         The Lord replies, "A penny." 
         Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" 
         The Lord replies, "In a minute."
 
 
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         A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?"  "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.  Now,  tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" 
 
 
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         A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."  
         The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"  
         The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."  
         The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"  
         The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"  
         The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."  
         A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on  the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, 
         "Take the poison."